Problems in Love Relationships
“Personal unhappiness is the greatest contributor to relationship problems.”
You don't love melike I love you"
Problems can creep in when we start to have thoughts of “do I love him more than he loves me?” We start examining all the things we do for our lover. All the ways we express our love and how much time and energy we’re putting into the relationship. Then we try to figure out if our lover is giving an equal amount back. If we perceive a discrepancy in that balance sheet, we start to back away from the relationship. We don't want to love more than they love. We become fearful that if we love them more than they love us, we might be played for a fool.
Problems can creep in when we start to have thoughts of “do I love him more than he loves me?” We start examining all the things we do for our lover. All the ways we express our love and how much time and energy we’re putting into the relationship. Then we try to figure out if our lover is giving an equal amount back. If we perceive a discrepancy in that balance sheet, we start to back away from the relationship. We don't want to love more than they love. We become fearful that if we love them more than they love us, we might be played for a fool.
Useful Questions:
Focus on how you feel when YOU are loving. Does loving someone feel good regardless if it’s returned? Is your loving someone conditional on them loving you back? If so, why?
Do you feel loved when your partner isn’t around? If not, why not? Do you accept yourself, appreciate your qualities?
Are you doing things for your lover that you really don't want to do, but feel you need to, to keep their love? Are you doing things for them, expecting something in return? What are you expecting? And have you told them what that is?
Have you talked to your partner about what things cause you to feel loved? (Don’t get caught up in “if they loved me, they’d know”, cause they don’t.)
"We don't have anything in common anymore."
You love each other and that's why you got together in the first place, but you don't really seem to have much in common anymore. You’re into philosophy and art. They're into sports. You like books and going for walks, and she always wants to go sailing. But you tell yourself that marriage is a sacrifice. A give and take. You’ve been told you should put aside your own interests to make the relationship work. You have to compromise, right? But when you give up what you love for the sake of the relationship, you end up resenting the person and conclude you don't have anything in common.
If you had these differences when you fell in love, chances are it's not about having nothing in common, but not having the connection and intimacy you once had.
Useful Questions:
Has the amount of one-on-one time changed since you first met?
Do you still share everything with your partner like you use to?
What would happen if you did what you wanted, and they did what they wanted?
How much time do you have to spend with your lover to feel you have a successful relationship? How did you arrive at that amount? What would it mean if you had separate interests?
Do you see yourself and your partner as two separate people who choose to be together or do you feel some type of obligation?
Do you believe “Love means to sacrifice.”? If so, why?
"We can't talk about that."
Every time you approach certain subjects, it turns into an argument. In the back of your mind, you decide to avoid that topic in the future because you don't want to fight. You don't want the conflict. You believe fighting means the relationship is on rocky ground or is threatening to the relationship. You want to stay together, but believe if you fight, you might separate. So you become afraid to talk about one or two subjects. Over time, that list of "don't touch that one" becomes more and more numerous. And as the list of avoided topics grows, it starts to feel like you can't talk with each other anymore. You feel distant and detached. You start wondering how much longer you can live like this. The silence grows.
Useful Questions:
Examine your beliefs about love and arguing. Are you afraid of being hurt in relationships? Does disagreeing with someone always mean hurt feelings? If so, why? How could you do it differently?
Do you limit yourself in some way when with your lover? Why? What might happen if you let them see and hear all of you?
Is honesty in your love relationship ever a “wrong” move?Why do you believe that?
Talk to your partner about your concerns while keeping the focus on your feelings and not their behavior. (Helpful hint: Be watchful of terms like “you always, you never, you make me feel.” Try this instead: “When you [the behavior], I find myself felling [your feelings]...”)
Learn to be more accepting of your partner by becoming more accepting of yourself.
"It would be easier to start over with someone else."
Some time has passed in the relationship and you've both built up lies. Some big ones but mostly small ones. They're not blatant lies, but mostly unspoken thoughts and feelings. The intentions behind the lies were to protect yourself and your partner from pain. But now, your problems seem overwhelming and you can't talk openly and honestly about them because you've already established a certain pattern of communication. It seems it would be considerably easier to just start fresh with a new partner. One where you could be yourself without fear.
Useful Questions:
Is honesty in your love relationship ever a “wrong” move?Why do you believe that?
Get clear on what you've lied about to your partner. What would happen if you shared what you learned? What is the worst that would happen? Are you capable of handling that? Why or why not?.
Figure out what you're afraid would happen if you were honest with them about those issues.
Talk to your partner about your concerns of being TOTALLY honest. Keep the focus on YOUR feelings and not their behavior.
Muster up the courage to tell them what you've lied about. Repeat to yourself, "No matter what happens, I will be okay."
"If you loved me you would....."
Unspoken and unacknowledged expectations take a large toll in relationships. In having expectations, you're expecting your partner to be a certain way in order to believe they love and care about you. If you don't get what you expect, you conclude all kinds of negative things about the relationship that may not be true.
Useful Questions:
Do your expectations have to be fulfilled for you to be happy? If so, why?
Do you expect your partner to conform to your wants? What does it mean when they don't?
Do you have preset rules in your love relationships? If so, what are they and why?
Do you find yourself often saying “he should” or “she should”?
Do you have any “If you loved me you would...[fill in the blank]'s”? If so, what are they?
Can you think of a time you didn't do what someone wanted you to do? Did you love them, even though you didn't do what they wanted? Could it be the same with your partner?
Do you use another’s words and actions as “evidence or proof” that they love you?. If your partner does that thing or activity you want, then do they love you? If they don't, is that a sign they don't love you or care? If yes, why?
Understand everyone has different wants, desires, and beliefs about what it means to be loving.
Be Honest
Examine what expectations you DO have, then openly discuss them with your partner. Find out what theirs are.
Focus on how you feel when YOU are loving. Does loving someone feel good regardless if it’s returned? Is your loving someone conditional on them loving you back? If so, why?
Do you feel loved when your partner isn’t around? If not, why not? Do you accept yourself, appreciate your qualities?
Are you doing things for your lover that you really don't want to do, but feel you need to, to keep their love? Are you doing things for them, expecting something in return? What are you expecting? And have you told them what that is?
Have you talked to your partner about what things cause you to feel loved? (Don’t get caught up in “if they loved me, they’d know”, cause they don’t.)
"We don't have anything in common anymore."
You love each other and that's why you got together in the first place, but you don't really seem to have much in common anymore. You’re into philosophy and art. They're into sports. You like books and going for walks, and she always wants to go sailing. But you tell yourself that marriage is a sacrifice. A give and take. You’ve been told you should put aside your own interests to make the relationship work. You have to compromise, right? But when you give up what you love for the sake of the relationship, you end up resenting the person and conclude you don't have anything in common.
If you had these differences when you fell in love, chances are it's not about having nothing in common, but not having the connection and intimacy you once had.
Useful Questions:
Has the amount of one-on-one time changed since you first met?
Do you still share everything with your partner like you use to?
What would happen if you did what you wanted, and they did what they wanted?
How much time do you have to spend with your lover to feel you have a successful relationship? How did you arrive at that amount? What would it mean if you had separate interests?
Do you see yourself and your partner as two separate people who choose to be together or do you feel some type of obligation?
Do you believe “Love means to sacrifice.”? If so, why?
"We can't talk about that."
Every time you approach certain subjects, it turns into an argument. In the back of your mind, you decide to avoid that topic in the future because you don't want to fight. You don't want the conflict. You believe fighting means the relationship is on rocky ground or is threatening to the relationship. You want to stay together, but believe if you fight, you might separate. So you become afraid to talk about one or two subjects. Over time, that list of "don't touch that one" becomes more and more numerous. And as the list of avoided topics grows, it starts to feel like you can't talk with each other anymore. You feel distant and detached. You start wondering how much longer you can live like this. The silence grows.
Useful Questions:
Examine your beliefs about love and arguing. Are you afraid of being hurt in relationships? Does disagreeing with someone always mean hurt feelings? If so, why? How could you do it differently?
Do you limit yourself in some way when with your lover? Why? What might happen if you let them see and hear all of you?
Is honesty in your love relationship ever a “wrong” move?Why do you believe that?
Talk to your partner about your concerns while keeping the focus on your feelings and not their behavior. (Helpful hint: Be watchful of terms like “you always, you never, you make me feel.” Try this instead: “When you [the behavior], I find myself felling [your feelings]...”)
Learn to be more accepting of your partner by becoming more accepting of yourself.
"It would be easier to start over with someone else."
Some time has passed in the relationship and you've both built up lies. Some big ones but mostly small ones. They're not blatant lies, but mostly unspoken thoughts and feelings. The intentions behind the lies were to protect yourself and your partner from pain. But now, your problems seem overwhelming and you can't talk openly and honestly about them because you've already established a certain pattern of communication. It seems it would be considerably easier to just start fresh with a new partner. One where you could be yourself without fear.
Useful Questions:
Is honesty in your love relationship ever a “wrong” move?Why do you believe that?
Get clear on what you've lied about to your partner. What would happen if you shared what you learned? What is the worst that would happen? Are you capable of handling that? Why or why not?.
Figure out what you're afraid would happen if you were honest with them about those issues.
Talk to your partner about your concerns of being TOTALLY honest. Keep the focus on YOUR feelings and not their behavior.
Muster up the courage to tell them what you've lied about. Repeat to yourself, "No matter what happens, I will be okay."
"If you loved me you would....."
Unspoken and unacknowledged expectations take a large toll in relationships. In having expectations, you're expecting your partner to be a certain way in order to believe they love and care about you. If you don't get what you expect, you conclude all kinds of negative things about the relationship that may not be true.
Useful Questions:
Do your expectations have to be fulfilled for you to be happy? If so, why?
Do you expect your partner to conform to your wants? What does it mean when they don't?
Do you have preset rules in your love relationships? If so, what are they and why?
Do you find yourself often saying “he should” or “she should”?
Do you have any “If you loved me you would...[fill in the blank]'s”? If so, what are they?
Can you think of a time you didn't do what someone wanted you to do? Did you love them, even though you didn't do what they wanted? Could it be the same with your partner?
Do you use another’s words and actions as “evidence or proof” that they love you?. If your partner does that thing or activity you want, then do they love you? If they don't, is that a sign they don't love you or care? If yes, why?
Understand everyone has different wants, desires, and beliefs about what it means to be loving.
Be Honest
Examine what expectations you DO have, then openly discuss them with your partner. Find out what theirs are.
Honesty is Necessary in Love
Love is nothing without truth.”
I had always thought myself to be a fairly honest person, and by society's standards I was. But what society considers honest and what true honesty really is, are two separate things. We've been systematically taught in our culture to make lying a part of our lives. We do it so often that we don't even notice it anymore.
Honesty is telling "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” Society's definition of the truth telling is to tell the truth ONLY if it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable, doesn't cause a conflict, and it makes you look good.
I'm not talking about the big lies, but more about the consistent, persistent "lies of omission" and "white lies" we tell people almost everyday. For me, I didn't even consider these small untruths to be lies until I experienced the exact opposite. The whole truth.
It hadn't realized exactly how dishonest I was and how much of myself I was holding back. This dishonesty caused me to feel disconnected from others and created small walls between me and my partner. When I withheld my whole truth, I withheld others from seeing all of me. This may be fine in most relationships but not in my primary relationship with my spouse, I wanted all of me to be loved, even those parts I judged as bad or wrong.
If I wanted to create true intimacy and closeness, I was going to have to let my partner see ALL of me. This was very scary for me because what if he got angry, or hurt, or decided "all of me" was not what he wanted and left the relationship? But then, what kind of relationship would I have if he only knew part of me?
Honesty is telling "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” Society's definition of the truth telling is to tell the truth ONLY if it doesn't make anyone uncomfortable, doesn't cause a conflict, and it makes you look good.
I'm not talking about the big lies, but more about the consistent, persistent "lies of omission" and "white lies" we tell people almost everyday. For me, I didn't even consider these small untruths to be lies until I experienced the exact opposite. The whole truth.
It hadn't realized exactly how dishonest I was and how much of myself I was holding back. This dishonesty caused me to feel disconnected from others and created small walls between me and my partner. When I withheld my whole truth, I withheld others from seeing all of me. This may be fine in most relationships but not in my primary relationship with my spouse, I wanted all of me to be loved, even those parts I judged as bad or wrong.
If I wanted to create true intimacy and closeness, I was going to have to let my partner see ALL of me. This was very scary for me because what if he got angry, or hurt, or decided "all of me" was not what he wanted and left the relationship? But then, what kind of relationship would I have if he only knew part of me?
“Honesty can be tough but it's necessary if you want a close intimate relationship.”
Below are two excerpts from books I feel do a good job of explaining how honesty effects relationships. The first one is from the book "The Unimaginable Life - Lessons Learned on the Path of Love" by Julia and Kenny Loggins.
Truth is the expression of love and is therefore always the necessary healing and loving action.
Mother always said, "The truth hurts." To this homily we would now add, "The truth heals." Love has taught us to be extremists for the truth. It is the surest path out of the old relationship-sabotaging belief systems. Many of us were taught that telling the truth is sometimes not being kind or loving, that it can separate us from what we want most, but telling the truth only separates us from our lies and our confused, limited self-images. Sure, the truth may hurt sometimes, but it never wounds the way a lie or half-truth can.
Most of us were taught to avoid pain at all costs, so it is a challenge to stand in our truth, knowing that it may seem to hurt a friend or lover or a member of our family. But when we don't tell the truth, it drives an invisible wedge between us and our lovers. If the goal is to stay within the awareness of love, the truth must be practiced continuously. Our greatest fear is that the truth will be abhorrent to our lover and we will end up alone. The reality is that the longer we are together, the more we practice the truth, the more trust develops and the easier the truth becomes. When we hide nothing, we can give everything.
In the book called "A Child of Eternity," there's a section that says what I've been trying to say for years regarding honesty in relationships. This is quite a nugget. Enjoy.
"Adri stresses the importance of living in truth, not as an esoteric principle but as a discipline. I really didn't understand what she meant by this until she created a lesson to teach me.
My brother, Jamie, Michael, and I were sitting together with Adri in August 1991, about to begin a meeting. Adri decided that we were not operating in a state of truth and she challenged us to recognize that and to do something about it before we started in.
Once she pointed this out to us, I knew it was true. I sensed in us all, not lies but states of incomplete truth. Still I hadn't intended to do anything about it. Why?
Because the state of half-truth is a normal one for most of us. The three of us weren't harboring dark secrets or lies that threatened to destroy our relationship or our work. We were simply suppressing all the little untruths - trying to avoid any troublesome confrontations.
Jamie went first, and confronted Michael about feelings he felt Michael was denying. Then I followed suit, questioning both Jamie's and Michael's commitment to this work. Lastly, Michael talked about how hard the whole process was for him.
Even though these weren't particularly significant concerns, still the difference in the room and between us after they were aired and cleared was amazing. I found myself in tears, first because I was certain, on a very deep level, that if I told all my truth, I would be abandoned - and secondly, because of course that didn't happen. That's the healing power of truth.
As Adri told us, "LOVING IS NOTHING WITHOUT TRUTH."
Although our issues and responses were different, what we learned had an enormous impact for each of us. I think we really understood, for the first time, how different our lives - and the world - would be if we could all operate out of a state of truth and love.
Within a loving context it becomes safe to reveal one's own truth. In retrospect we could see that suppressing truth limited our ability to love one another. And when we limit our love, we truly limit our lives.
As we experienced what it was really like to be in truth, love, and alignment, we became painfully aware of just how rare such moments are. Yet it was incredibly energizing to realize that we all have the potential to live in such a state. It is within our power, each moment, to choose truth over lies and love over fear."
Improve Your Love Relationships
What YOU can do to improve your relationships.
Talk with your partner openly and honestly.
Don't sacrifice yourself for the relationship.
Take responsibility for your feelings.
Know you can only change yourself.
Be yourself always.
Know your intentions behind your words.
Communicate your wants and needs to your partner.
Accept them as they are.
Let go of absolute value judgments.
Drop your expectations of how they "should" be.
Listen with your whole body, mind and soul.
Express your appreciation and gratitude openly and often.
Examine your beliefs about love relationships.
Use humor to defuse difficult situations.
Examine your desire to control your partner.
Have a dialogue about your beliefs.
“Honesty can be scary but it's necessary if you want a close intimate relationship.”
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